Trump replaces newly hired press secretary with sock puppet.

Sally the Sock-Puppet addresses the media after it was announced that she was replacing Katie Zacharia as White House press secretary.

After less than a week on the job, White House Press Secretary Katie Zacharia was out of a job on Friday. But just as quick as the news broke, the Trump Administration announced her replacement, Sally the Sock-Puppet. A White House insider spoke to reporters. “Sally was hired immediately. Since the role of the press secretary is to serve as President Trump’s mouthpiece, it only made sense to hire an actual puppet.”

When questioned about the confusion over whether Zacharia was an attorney, a lawyer, or both, the insider said, “Look, the past is in the past.” Sally has all the credentials. Unlike Ms. Zacharia, Sally actually passed the bar exam and has so many degrees. The President doesn’t make the same mistake twice. There was a thorough background investigation of Ms. Sock-Puppet before her hiring, and she went through an intensive interview process.”

However, no state bar associations have any record that Sally the Sock-Puppet is a licensed attorney.

“See, I knew you journalists had to do your research,” said the insider, using air quotes when saying journalists and research. “Sally isn’t licensed in the United States. Are you stupid? She’s a puppet. Sally took the bar exam in North Korea.”

Former press secretaries took to social media to congratulate Sally the Sock-Puppet on her hiring. “Sally the Sock-Puppet is just the press secretary this country needs, empty and soulless,” posted Jen Psaki, former press secretary under the Biden Administration.

“She’ll do great,” posted Sean Spicer, Trump’s former press secretary during his first term in office. “The best press secretaries are the ones that can handle having a hand up their ass.”

Sally the Sock-Puppet briefly spoke to reporters after the announcement. “It is a privilege and an honor to serve President Trump,” said Sally as President Trump held her up with his hand. “He is the greatest president in the universe. Better than George Washington, and especially better than Abraham Lincoln. Leading the United States through a civil war — that’s not impressive. It’s stupid. There never would have been a civil war if President Trump had been there.”

The White House fired the insider who broke the news after they insinuated that President Trump made a mistake hiring Katie Zacharia. Updates to follow.